Letting Go of Letting Go

I had a draft I was ready to post tonight about letting go. It was lovely. I wrote about the seasons and how fall is the time of letting go, and how I was working to let go of expectations about speed and body image. You would have loved it. But after reading about Kavanaugh’s confirmation, I just couldn’t. Letting go felt too trite, too simple, and too close to giving up.

It’s a strange feeling to be completely deflated about the humans in power on the eve of an event that is a celebration of the human spirit. I’m ecstatic for everyone who is about to live out their dream of finishing a marathon. I’m also heartbroken for every survivor who just witnessed our worst nightmare realized — that speaking out against abuse not only didn’t result in any consequences for the abuser, but also made life measurably worse for the survivor. I can’t feel completely excited about the marathon, and I can’t feel completely hopeless about the world. People are terrible. People are also incredible. Nothing happens in a vacuum, and this incredibly high and incredibly low day is making for an incredibly complicated series of emotions.

I don’t have any advice or any quippy wisdom or any little running anecdote to make it all okay. I just want you all to know that I love you and I’m incredibly proud of you, whether you’re about to run 26.2, or whether you’re just going to wake up and face the world again tomorrow.

2 thoughts on “Letting Go of Letting Go

  1. I still would love to see the original writing. “It was lovely. I wrote about the seasons and how fall is the time of letting go, and how I was working to let go of expectations about speed and body image. You would have loved it.” Mostly likely, I would love it. So – why not to post it? Because of Kavanaugh’s confirmation? Come on – was it not obvious from the start that this sleazy guy would be confirmed? It is their guy after all. He will be obedient and compliant, conforming to their wishes. Why should they care about something else?

    But we have one life. We should not behave according to the famous Buddhist story; a man gets hit by an arrow, and now he thinks: “I can’t go to my planned dinner with friends; why always me”, etc. He adds another arrow to his problems. We need to enjoy our life. We need to have compassion for ourselves. Only then we may have enough strength to keep fighting for our friends, our ideals.

    Love for all people of good will!

  2. Grief affects people in different ways. Kavanaugh’s hearings and subsequent appointment triggered painful memories of my own assault, and I desperately wanted to believe that good just might prevail over evil. That didn’t happen, and I took the news quite hard. The piece I had drafted no longer felt authentic or appropriate for that particular moment. Perhaps I will rework a version of it for a later date, or perhaps not. We live in strange and difficult times. I agree that we need to have compassion for ourselves, and that includes allowing myself to cry and feel upset in order to continue working toward healing. ❤

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